Single Girl Gets Back on Dating Apps After Ending a 2 Year ‘Thing'.

Ok, ok this is going to be DOPE.

I know what's up with dating apps. I can do this. No. Big. Deal.

Ok, cool, no one uses OkVenus. I totally knew that. Honestly, I don’t have time to answer a thousand questions anyways.  I have at least 4 more apps to sign up for.

I also know that Lint is flooded with misogynists who are only interested in f***king. I am not f***ng a misogynist…again. Oh wait, it can be good if you are traveling and I’m not really done with my hooking up with married men from out of town phase yet. - so, I’ll just keep Lint on the back burner, but not on the home screen.  I’m not trying to get called out.

Hmmm, how about The Class? I was put on the waiting list 2 years ago. - before I got into a ‘Thing’.  Sweet!  I’m IN!!!!!!! Wait…Hello??? anyone here?  Why is no one here?  Maybe they moved to Inside Trapezoid?  Wait, why is it so small?  It’s more like a speck than a trapezoid. Am I missing something? Where did everyone go?

Ok, I know this one. Door Jam! I could try Door Jam, but I’m not really into the idea of dating my Facebook friends’ friends or friends of my Facebook friends’ friends. I don’t even like most of my friends. That’s why they are my Facebook friends and not real friends, like my Instagram followers.

Then I hear the voice of, um, Everyone, say, “Duh stupid, that’s not their thing anymore. Now they want you to get off of their app. You know, just like you did before your ‘Thing’ didn’t work out.  Don’t worry, this time you will find the perfect ‘Thing’ for sure because they say that they want you to.”  Ok great, this sounds good and seems manageable.  I’m doing it.

Fast forward to 3 hours later…I’ve dug through a dozen recent pictures and two dozen super old pictures, and one brand’s talking selfie with a duck beak. Duck Face is so last year, and I’ve got my 6 pictures filtered and ready to unleash on Door Jam so I can’t be distracted by that right now.

This picture should go here and that one over there, and how about the other ones right here? No, lets lead with this one there, and that one here, followed by the other ones over there! Perfect! I could totally curate an art museum. Maybe I should add that to my bio, “Master of the art of me.”.

No, but seriously, it’s important for everyone to know I work out, but I can’t be cliché about it, like those girls in yoga poses taken in ‘unexpected’ places. “She’s so wild! She does yoga in the street!!”  No, that’s not me.  I’m not that obvious.  Wait…should I make that the answer to one of my profile question prompts? 

For example, I could answer the question “What’s your philosophy on life?” with, “Don’t be cliché like those girls who put up pictures of themselves doing impromptu yoga poses in random locations where no one should be doing yoga poses”.  No, that sounds pretentious and I am all about empowering other women so I can’t be judgmental with any of my fellow independent ladies. (Unless we are talking about Karen. I hate that slut).

And what if for the question prompt about special skills, I say something like, “I am a semi pro contortionist, but I don’t feel the need to show you a picture to prove it because I am telling you here.”?  Yes!!! I love that!  It sounds smart and sexy. Boom B**tch!

I’m on a serious roll.  Honestly, I might as well just take this EXACT profile and use it on all of the other dating apps.  It’s basically the same formula.  Ok cut, paste, done.

And what about Rova? – I hear the arrogant voice of Rova in my mind saying, “Shut up b**tch! If you even say my name, you, your children, and your children’s children will be banned for life…no matter how many Instagram followers you all have.” 

So, I look straight into the bathroom mirror and I say out loud, “ROVA! ROVA! ROVA! You aren’t the Candyman.  You don’t scare me!  If I want to f**ck a professional hockey player, I can do that all by myself, thank you very much.  I know where the West Village is.”

OOOH!  What’s this? The Nest?  I bet it is going to be AMAZING!!!!

To be continued…

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